Sorry, Sex Offenders. No Pokemon GO for you!


[Article originally written by Dan Scully, and reprinted from our sister site, Regretful Morning.]


Anybody who’s anybody is playing Pokemon GO, the augmented reality game that sends its players on real world missions to collect as many of the titular creatures as possible in an effort to dominate the Pokemon fighting circuit.

Wait. Why am I explaining this? If you’re a Regretful Morning reader there’s a 100% chance you are aware of the concept of Pokemon GO, and a 99.9% chance that you’re as cracked out on the game as everyone else, including myself. Seriously, who’d have thought that RPG dog fighting would be the thing that finally unites us all?

As a rule, I avoid fraternizing with folks who have facial tattoos, but about a week ago, I found myself having the time of my life attempting to trap a Clefable with the help of a heavily inked probably-gang-member. We laughed, we expressed frustration at how many razz berries it took to trap the little pink fuckface, and we wished each other safe travels when we parted. Nobody was hurt, and my mind was opened considerably.

My new best friend.

My new best friend.

Buuuuuut there’s a downside to the digital love-fest, and the governor of New York is the first in what will likely be a long line of legislators to take action against the potential dangers of Pokemon GO. As of Sunday, if you’re a registered sex offender in the state of New York, usage of Pokemon GO has officially been deemed a parole violation. Even though there haven’t been any reported cases of sex assault via Pokemon GO and this new law reeks of authoritative fear-mongering, it’s probably a pretty smart move.

The last thing I want is for the app to be deactivated and my Pokemon GO addiction to go unsated because some creep decided to get some kids. And the second to last thing I want is for some kids to get molested while playing the BEST GAME EVER.

Alright, SECOND best game ever.

Alright, SECOND best game ever.

Along with this new law came a request to the game’s developers that Pokestops not be placed within 100 feet of a sex offender’s home, and that the developers use the sex offender registry to help strategize against potential abuses of the platform. So bad news, sex offenders, you simply won’t be able to catch ’em all. But don’t fret, at least the doors to the White House are wide open to you.

Both of these insanely powerful men have been accused of rape. Good job, America.

Both of these insanely powerful men are almost definitely rapists.