This weekend the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot hits theaters, and if you were hoping for a miracle of it not being a steaming turd; we have some bad news for you. While the old rumors of the Turtles being aliens is reduced to nothing more than a one-off joke in the final movie, the alterations they have made to their origin will cause long-time fans of the brothers to burn down the theater in protest.
Paramount is allowing some reviews out, but they don’t want spoilers out there as once fans find out how bad they changed the Turtles the movie will bomb hard. Since we hate when studios want to hide the truth about their crappy movie, we’re posting the new origin here.
For those who don’t want to be spoiled, we hid it via white text. If you want to know how different this TMNT is from the one you’re familiar with highlight the text below:
First off, forget any of the original backstory of Splinter and the Turtles. Splinter was no longer the pet rat of a sensei that he watched in order to learn martial arts from, and he has no real connection with Shredder. Instead, the new origin plays into April being the main character of the movie with the Turtles being big CGI set decoration for her to react to.
In the movie, Splinter and the Turtles are about the same age and were all basically April’s pets. The story goes April’s dad and Sachs (William Fichtner) created the mutagen, but it turns out that Sachs had evil plans so April’s dad destroys the lab and April frees the Turtles (after naming them). She doesn’t recognize the grown Turtles until she hears their names, and that’s when you get the history that she named them.
They learn martial arts from a book as the mutagen not only speeds up their growth, but also makes them much smarter. That way they can read a book and be like Neo to just “know kung fu” and be able to take on Splinter like masters. Yup. That’s how they explain it.
With that known, do yourself a favor. Don’t see TMNT this weekend. Go see Guardians of the Galaxy again.